


you called me out upon the waters

by StainedWhite (Precious_Little_Stardust)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Gen, I mean, KakaGai Week 2017, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, i guess, trigger warning, why do I do this to myself no one knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 06:52:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13289403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Precious_Little_Stardust/pseuds/StainedWhite
Summary: This is Kakashi in a life full of selfish decisions. The only egoist, he knows, is himself.





	you called me out upon the waters

„Why … why are you here?“ – _why are you bothering with me; you don’t care, do you?_   

Kakashi doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to deal with this. „You were gone“, is all he can really say. It’s been weeks since he’s last seen Gai and while he tells himself he doesn’t care about it … well, it did upset him a bit. He felt worse than usual, felt like even Gai didn’t seem to care anymore.

If he were about to leave now, no one would really miss him. Not even Gai.

Which is all he really wanted, wasn’t it? To be left alone, to suffer in solitude and to die in peace without being mourned, without inflicting pain on the people closest to him.

If there are no close friends, or family, it’s easy, right? It’s easy to go ahead and die. 

But it still felt like a great betrayal, to finally figure out that he means absolutely nothing to anyone. He just exists in some people’s lives, without great importance.

And while this is what he wanted for so long, what he desired for years now, ever since his father just … it didn’t feel right. It … it hurt.

It hurt to know that Gai didn’t like him as much as Kakashi seemed to enjoy their time together and is this not the complete opposite of their dynamic?

„I wasn’t gone, I was on a mission, rival …“, Gai says, face scrunched up in concern but still too caught up in everything that seemed to be going on beneath the surface to properly process the state Kakashi was in.

Kakashi shrugs, uncomfortable in his bloody clothes. Too much of it is not his own.

„It’s fine … I mean, you can go now“, he says, biting his lip behind his mask. He avoids eye-contact, looking everywhere but at Gai. „You don’t have to be here. I can do this on my own.“

_Please, leave. I don’t want to have you here now …_

„You are not fine …“, Gai finally says, grabbing both of his shoulders with little resistance, and Kakashi tries to tell himself that it doesn’t feel good, that he only endures because he does not have the strength to break away.

When Gai grabs his chin and makes him look – look for the very first time – when he sees the tears in Gai’s dark eyes, sees the bloody scratches on his chin and knows that he tried to walk 600 rounds around the village on his hand again. He shrugs a second time, uselessly, because this is Kakashi’s life in all it’s uneasy meaninglessness.

He notices, faintly, that Obito’s eye is open, recording in finest detail.

“When did you get back?”, Gai asks then and the moment is over, he lets go of Kakashi’s shoulders but does not stop touching his arm – in all actuality, he even drags Kakashi those short 5 feet to his own bathroom, sits him down on a closed toilet seat and gets out the first-aid-kit.

For a moment, it does occur to Kakashi that Gai shouldn’t know where his first-aid-kit is. This is the first time he is in his bathroom.

He pushes the thought away.

“I … I can do that …”, he says, and it sounds weak, so very weak, even to his own ears.

There is blood dripping onto the cold tiles beneath his feat and he wonders when he started bleeding again.

“I know you can”, Gai finally says and there’s a short silence when he looks over at Kakashi. His face is closed off, almost dark and it’s not really a gaze Kakashi likes much. He breaks eye-contact again and decides to count the tiles in his bathroom.

“When did you get back?”, Gai asks again but Kakashi doesn’t really know. It seems sort of like a blurr. Like everything just escapes his memory lately. Even with Obito’s eye open and recording, he doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t recall even making it back to Konoha, neither does he know when or how this event occurred, so he decides to shrug, again, so very uselessly. “Last night?”, he answers, and it doesn’t really concern him, this forgetfulness.

He just doesn’t care, is all.

“You don’t know?”, Gai asks, and it sounds like an important question.

Kakashi shakes his head, and continues to count the rows. “Does it matter?”

A thick silence follows his question. Blood is still dripping down his arm and it’s very ticklish, honestly. He wishes he could wipe it off. He realizes that he doesn’t like the metallic scent much, even less the thick, gooey feeling when it coagulates on his arm, without the fibrinogen just a useless red stain. 

“Can … can you clean my arm?” he asks, finally, and Gai does come over then. He doesn’t bother looking away from the wall and just lifts his right arm. “It tickles and feels awful.”

There’s a short “yes”, but Kakashi doesn’t see the nod, nor the concentration and worry in Gai’s eyes. 

Gai doesn’t say anything else for the duration of his treatment. There’s a bit more to bandage than Kakashi anticipated, honestly.

He didn’t really feel his cracked rips, or the bruises on his hips and thigh. There were some flesh wounds, close to his clavicle, probably aimed at his jugular vein but missing by a bit. Another one on his calve and some small senbon wounds on his feet.

Nothing bad, really. 

He wonders, why he doesn’t feel the chakra-exhaustion he should be feeling, why he can still walk around and - remembers that he had another soldier pill after getting back to his apartment.

So it couldn’t have been longer than 6 hours since he got back to Konoha.

When Gai got to his arm, Kakashi doesn’t know where the blood came from. There weren’t any open wounds just bruises and a few kunai scratches. Nothing big enough to cause the amount of blood he saw. 

“Okay, rival …”, Gai gets up and Kakashi stops counting the tiles for the fourteenth time to look up at his friend. “You’re as good as new”, he smiles but it seems strained, seems like Gai is forcing himself to be cheerful.

Kakashi dislikes this look on Gai’s face because it reminds him of a time when t other kids their age were laughing at Gai, when villagers whispered and gossiped about him and his dad.

He looks away, feeling guilty for being the cause of this strained excuse of a smile on Gai’s face. He can’t even apologize properly, his throat too closed up by an overwhelming amount of shame.

“Thanks”, he whispers into his mask, hopes Gai heard it anyway.

“No need to thank me, my rival”, Gai answers, as if this is an usual occurrence. “Do you need help getting to your bed?”

Kakashi shakes his head and remembers that Gai doesn’t really care. “No … no, you can go now …” – _you don’t have to stay and waste your time on me, a useless idiot._

And he tries to get up, really. He tries.

It’s now of all moments that chakra exhaustion seems to catch up with him.

When he tries to push some weight onto his bandaged legs, his thighs shake and his calves crumble immediately, making it impossible to even put one foot in front of the other. He falls, gracelessly, and curses himself for being an idiot, right when Gai catches him. 

It feels ridiculous to be carried around. And he pretends to scowl when Gai hooks his arm beneath his knees and carries him to his own bed.

Even in this, denial so high up in his mind that he might’ve missed this opportunity alltogether; Kakashi looks at the way Gai’s arms feel around his shoulders, and how he feels just a tiny bit better, how this is comfortable in all its stupidity. How Gai made him feel cared for - the first one to do so in a very long time. 

His lungs don’t seem to be working properly when he tries to take in some more air. 

“I’m sorry”, he whispers faintly, feeling strangely detached and away. “Please …”

He wants to push Gai away, wants him to leave and never come back because this is what’s best for Gai. 

This is Kakashi in a life full of selfish decisions. The only egoist he knows, is himself.

He can’t, can’t do whatever this is, can’t face his life for even a second longer all on his own.

He can’t make it better.

He can’t live this life any longer.

He wants to die.

Gai should leave, before Kakashi will get him killed. It happens all the time, it happens so often, he doesn’t even know how people stand to be on around him.

Everyone seems to have a deathwish, he just wishes he could die before he brings anyone else down with this curse.

Gai sets him down on his bed, brings the blanket up to Kakashi’s chin and all Kakashi wants to do is curl in on himself and stop being so useless, so helpless. “Please, stay”, he whispers, over and over, like a mantra – whispers it unconsciously, really, thinking Gai doesn’t hear.  
Only when he feels his mattress dip on his side, when he feels strong arms around his thin shoulders and when he feels this strong need to turn around and bury his nose in Gai’s chest, does he realize what he did.

He stays silent when his own tears spill over and cries quietly, shaking just the tiniest bit.

Gai stays.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, I really just tried to procrastinate. *sighs*  
> I'm on [ tumblr ](http://hiraeth-wings.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
